In memory of the Jokes Thread

I had a friend who drowned in a bowl of muesli once, he was pulled under by a strong currant!  :laugh:

The other week I went to a seafood disco and I pulled a muscle...

But I'll tell you what I love doing mroe than anything, trying to pack myself into a small suitcase... I can hardly contain myself!!


:laugh: BAM!!

I had a friend who drowned in a bowl of muesli once, he was pulled under by a strong currant!  :laugh:

The other week I went to a seafood disco and I pulled a muscle...

But I'll tell you what I love doing mroe than anything, trying to pack myself into a small suitcase... I can hardly contain myself!!


:laugh: BAM!!

Thats it!!! I'm kicking you out of the house for crimes against humour.

Expect to find your possessions on the verandah when you get home!

 :laugh:

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20."

He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She said, "Yeah."

He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

 :laugh:

A guy walked into a bar and saw a sign that said, "Cheese sandwich, $4; chicken sandwich, $5; handjob, $20."

He said to the barmaid, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She said, "Yeah."

He said, "Then go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

 :laugh:

I've got $20 here if you want to stay living in this house.

Actually, make it $25. I wouldn't mind a chicken sandwich as well.

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?... in Iraq

Why did the baker have shit on his hands???! Because he kneaded a poo! 

Where does Saddam Hussein keep his CD's?... in Iraq

Why did the baker have shit on his hands???! Because he kneaded a poo!  :biggrin:

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a playground!! 

What has 4 legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a playground!!  :brow2:

I heart you.

why couldnt the push bike stand up by itself?

beacause it was two tired.

 :laugh: I love that joke!!!

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene!

What do you call a japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene!!!

 :laugh: I love that joke!!!

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? Ilene!

What do you call a japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other? Irene!!! :rofl:

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 :laugh:

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

 :laugh:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"  :nodd:

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"  :nodd:

while we are on the blonde tip...

A blonde's year in review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
 Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
              Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
 Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....

box said "2-4 years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
         water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
        the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
 Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
             car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of  California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour
                per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 ..... "duh".....there's no "eleven"
Button on the stupid phone!!! 

:laugh:

*Lame Warning*

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool and asks: "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "No."

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"

*Lame Warning*

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?"

The duck says, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, GET OUT!"

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool and asks: "Got any pickles?"

The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"

With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"

The bartender, puzzled, said "No."

The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"

Pavarotti makes his way to the pearly gates. He is greeted by
St. Christopher, who turns to
God and says

"Here's that tenor I owe you!"

 

 

how do you catch a unique rabbit?
u neaq up on it.

how do you catch a tame rabbit?
tame way, you neaq up on it.

what does mozart do now that he's dead?
he decomposes

what's the worst part about eating vegetables?
those damn wheelchairs

how do you get dragon milk?
from a cow with short legs

><;

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!" They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

 

Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!" The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!" The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!" They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.

 :lol:

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says,

"Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm,"

He replies, "It must be your feet, then."

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says,

"Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm,"

He replies, "It must be your feet, then."

How often to Japanese men have erections?

Once every four years!

I don't get it?!

I don't get it?! :?:

i do. tres funneh!

Hightlight the black text ftw 

I did that in the first place, I just don't understand the joke....

I did that in the first place, I just don't understand the joke.... :?:

They're Japanese men. Japanese. Can't pronounce the letter "l". You see what I did there? 

Once evely foul yeals?

Eventually I worked it out...... you were easier to understand when you didn't post on here 

See, it's not that difficult people!

What's that mean though?!?! ARGH!

What's that mean though?!?! ARGH!

they have elections evey four years

Haha, I get it!

Haha, I get it! :withstupid:

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.  He's an elderly man and figures he's not getting any younger. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?'"

Margaret looks him over, "Nope" she says.

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

'Nope', she replies.

Bert Yells 'CAUSE IT'S LOOKIN' AT MY NEW BOOTS"

To which Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, Shoulda bought a hat."

Lame joke coming up...


How do you make a snow angel?

Kill a snow man.

what do you call a greek bloke in hospital??

fully sick

I was walking home yesterday afternoon when I noticed an old drunk guy staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking with her young child.

"Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.

Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter?" he asked.

"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.

"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue and do you want me to get a banana for your monkey?" 

I was walking home yesterday afternoon when I noticed an old drunk guy staggering along the road. He passed a woman who was walking with her young child.

"Lady", said the drunk, "that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. Damn, that is one ugly child!." As the drunk wandered off, the lady burst into tears.

Just then, a mailman came to her rescue. "What's the matter?" he asked.

"I've just been horribly insulted" she sobbed.

"There there," said the mailman, reaching into his pocket. "Dry your eyes with this tissue and do you want me to get a banana for your monkey?"  :lol:

A woman was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

Her husband walked in. She turned and said "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said "Thanks," and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"

"The egg timer's broken," his wife explained.

 

Man says to the Japanese chef " This chicken is rubbery "
Chef says " Thank you, sir !! "

Man says to the Japanese chef " This chicken is rubbery "
Chef says " Thank you, sir !! "

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be
happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

 

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the  Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
 
"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
 
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
 
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
 
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
 
"Where's John Howards' clock?" asked the man.
 
"Howards' clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

What's the difference between Sigfried and Roy, and the Schumacher brothers?



the facial expression when one drives into the back of the other.

Zing!

Necrophilia jokes now Liam...for shame!   

This got emailed to me by a pommy mate of mine! It's long but worthy!!

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe? asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of er arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration 'Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

This got emailed to me by a pommy mate of mine! It's long but worthy!! :lol:

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Brian sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Kin ya swaller? asked Kenzie
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe? asked Brian. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of er arse.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Brian said in admiration 'Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

Oh dear!! 

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to
death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when suddenly...

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet."

"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune and
there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw
bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double
smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".

"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".

"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees
no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that.....Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5
metres, with Pepe following more slowly at a distance, when suddenly a
machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he
is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe
with his dying breath.. . . .

"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


"Ees.....





Ees.....






Ees.....

Ees, a Ham Bush"

 

what time does sean connery get to wimbledon?



TEN-ISHHHHH!

I you Liam

I :inlove: you Liam

Q.  How many animals can you fit into a pair of tights?
 
A.  2 Calfs, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 pussy, countless hares, the occasional cock and 1 dead fish no fucker can find

So there's a group of Irish guys standing on a bridge. One of them picks up a budgie in either hand & throws himself off the bridge, falling to his death. One of the remainders says "Don't know if I fancy that budgie-jumping"
Then another fella from the group grabs a parrot in one hand & a shot gun in the other. He throws the parrot in the air & shoots it as he also jumps off the bridge. The same remaining bloke as before says "Don't know if I wanna try that parrot-shooting either" 

So there's a group of Irish guys standing on a bridge. One of them picks up a budgie in either hand & throws himself off the bridge, falling to his death. One of the remainders says "Don't know if I fancy that budgie-jumping" :lol:
Then another fella from the group grabs a parrot in one hand & a shot gun in the other. He throws the parrot in the air & shoots it as he also jumps off the bridge. The same remaining bloke as before says "Don't know if I wanna try that parrot-shooting either"  :rofl:

 


What did one frog say to the other?

Time sure is fun when you're having flies!

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"


 

So, an E-flat, a G-flat, and a B-flat walk into a bar.

And the bartender says,
"I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is in the warming oven, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."


"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on........ but I like your
thinking."

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,

“I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.

The driver says

"Gee officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:

"Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says,

"You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says,

"And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says,

"Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says,

"Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks,

"WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

"Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

.
.
.
.
.
.

"Only when he's been drinking."

The Genie

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the
owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A warm voice said, "Come on in."
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying
on its side near the broken window.
A large black man reclining on the couch asked,
"Are you the people that broke my window?"
Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.
You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a
thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.
I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the
last one for myself."

Wow, that's great!" the husband said.
He pondered a moment and blurted out, I'd like a million dollars a
year for the rest of my life."

No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young
lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done" the genie said.
"And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!"

And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years,my wish is to have sex with your wife!"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses.
What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
looked directly into her eyes and asked,

"How old are you and your husband?"

Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"No Kidding." he said,

"Thirty-five years old .............and both of you still believe in genies?"

:rofl:

now thats a funny one.

 :brow:
At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes. This one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your male mates.

INSTRUCTIONS.
Anaesthetise your wife, put her in a large box, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive:

823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.

Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS MESSAGE.
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women).

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

 
At last!! A decent chain letter as opposed to normal chain letters/pyramid schemes. This one costs nothing, and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail to 9 of your male mates.

INSTRUCTIONS.
Anaesthetise your wife, put her in a large box, (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send it to the person who is at the top of your list.
Soon, your name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive:

823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

0.5 Miss Worlds
2.5 Models
463 Wild nymphos
3,234 Good-looking nymphos
20,198 Who enjoy multiple orgasms
40,198 Bi-sexual women.

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off. And, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER.
One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of 9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the chain letter).
While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in 6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying in hospital suffering from exhaustion.

Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS MESSAGE.
This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying sex life.

No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations about trivialities (that only interest women).

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement. Do not hesitate........send this letter today to 9 of your best friends.

PS. - Even when you have no girlfriend, you can send your vacuum cleaner; one of the other women that arrives will know how to use it.

PPS. - This letter can also be copied to women you know so that they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they may soon undertake.

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?'"

"As far as I'm concerned", the drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Wife reads an article, "WOW a bull can have sex 3000 times a year, I wish you could do the same", the wife says. 

The husband replies, "Ask the bull if he fucks the same cow"

 

oldie but a fave of mine




Two peanuts were walking home drunk one night and decided to go down a dark alleyway. One was a salted.

Love this joke!

Love this joke!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?

A: A Beaner-Schnitzel


Hahahahaha. Bam!  :lol:

Q: What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a German?

A: A Beaner-Schnitzel


Hahahahaha. Bam! 

what about an irishman and a german?

a greener schnitzel.

or a janitor and a german?

a cleaner schnitzel




**shakes head in disgust**

terrible

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor!  :lol:

whats the first sign of aids???















a slight pounding sensation in the ass  :biggrin:

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat minor! 

whats the first sign of aids???















a slight pounding sensation in the ass 

Those metaphores are gold :lol:

the west coast eagles in conjunction with their major sponsor hungry jacks is proud to announce the ben cousins meal deal.

no burger or fries, just coke and ice.

-----------

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

The Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this this guy your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar."

----------

A bus filled with only ugly people crashes and everyone dies. They all go straight to heaven. But, because they all died in such a horrible way, God feels bad, so he decides to grant all of them one wish. He tells them to be careful and think hard about what they truely want.
The first man goes up and says, "I want to be handsome."
Poof, it is done. The second person hears this and says, "I also want to be gorgeous."
Poof, it is done. This continues until about halfway through the line, the last guy starts to giggle a little bit. However, people keep wishing to be handsome/gorgeous. Finally, by the time the last guy is up there, he is rolling on the floor laughing. God says to him, "OK, it is your turn, make sure you know what you want."
The guy straightens himself up and looks at God and says, "Make em all ugly again."

--------------

The following is a list of metaphors that were apparently found in NSW Year
12 English essays in 2003,


Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently
compressed by a Thigh Master.


He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.


She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature prime English beef.


She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.


Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.


He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.


The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of
his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.


The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't.


McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.


From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in
the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.


Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.


The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot oil.


John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met.


Even in his last years, Grandad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that
had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.


The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.


The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a
while.


"Oh, Jason, take me!"; she panted, her breasts heaving like a Uni student
on $1-a-beer night.


He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or
something.


The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind
her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.


He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she
were a garbage truck backing up.


She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.


She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.


It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the
wall.

Those metaphores are gold

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And was somewhat upset. "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine ... go ahead," she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began:
"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away .
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same."

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said:

"Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

AHAHAHAHA

 :lol:

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the   
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you   
had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the next day.                                         
                                                                           
So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The
Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man,     
"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when   
you died."                                                                 
                                                                           
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my 
lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere 
in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked   
and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about 
to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that     
there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that 
guy!                                                                       
                                                                           
Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he Fell 
to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and       
bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even     
more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could   
get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought   
of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony,   
and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!     
                                                                           
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and   
died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment.           
Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion. So, the
Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him 
in.                                                                       
                                                                           
A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was 
John Howard." Mr. Howard, before I can let you in, I need to hear about   
what your day was like when you died." Johnnie said, "No problem. But     
you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a 26th floor     
apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally 
fell over the side!                                                       
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below
mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his         
apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers.                       
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which   
broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on 
the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push   
his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and
lands on top of me, killing me instantly."                                 
                                                                           
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Johnnie finishes his story. "I
could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the
Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Howard   
enter.                                                                     
                                                                           
A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost
too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car accidents pour     
through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne , please tell me what
it was like the day you died."                                             
                                                                           
Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

AHAHAHAHA

 

gold day for jokes!  :lol:

Why cant you hear bunnys having sex?

They have cotton balls!!

 :biggrin:

A bra and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two beers.

The bar man said "sorry i cant serve you."

The bra and jumper leads answered back "why not"

The bar man said "Well, your off your tits and you look like your about to start something"

 :lol:

gold day for jokes! 

Why cant you hear bunnys having sex?

They have cotton balls!!

 

A bra and a set of jumper leads walked into a bar and asked for two beers.

The bar man said "sorry i cant serve you."

The bra and jumper leads answered back "why not"

The bar man said "Well, your off your tits and you look like your about to start something"

 

Awww. I  you Liam

 

ooh ooh I just made up another joke:


Where in the UK would you live if you were a plankton?


Wales! 

will be using that for sure

what should you do if you see a heard of elephants coming at you?

swim for the door.


why did the slice of bread have the munchies?

he was toasted.


how do you know if a whale is gay?

you'll find sea men in its stomach.

what do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

you drown

Polar bear walks into a bar

Bar Tender: '"What can i get ya?"
Polar Bear: "Ill have a scotch!!! _____________________________________and coke"

Bar Tender: Whats with the big pause?
Polar Bear: I was born with em

 

A crusty old man walks into a bank and shouts to the Woman at the teller window "I want to open a fucking Cheque account". The astonished woman replies "I beg your pardon sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, you dumb fuck. I said I want to open a fucking cheque account now!". "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank".

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no fucking problem" the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the fucking lottery and I just want to open a fucking cheque account in this fucking bank, okay?" "I see," says the manager, "and is this fat bitch giving you a hard time?"

--------

A man from Liverpool, holidaying in the Netherlands decides to try out one of the local brothels that he's heard so much about. Looking for a cheap thrill he walks in and takes out the equivalent of 10 pounds and approaches the mistress and says, "I've only got this much. What can I get?"

The mistress pauses, looks him up and down once and gestures him to follow her. She takes him down a long, narrow hall, unlocks a door and holds the door open for the man. He looks inside to see a pig tied down in the middle of the room. The man immediately thinks to himself "Great I get to f**k a pig". She closes the door and the man begins to pleasure himself With the pig.

The man was so impressed that a week later he decides to return to the same brothel but this time holds out 5 pounds and asks "I've only got this much what can I get?." Once again the mistress takes him down the same narrow hall but to a different room where a room full of people are watching a couple have sex through a one-way-glass-window.

The man, excitedly sits down on an empty seat and turns to a bloke beside him and says "What a great country. For only 5 quid you can watch a couple have sex." To which the bloke replied, "That's nothing. Last week we saw a guy f**k a pig."

nice

ok 2 baked beans travelled around australia together

where did they end up?

cairns

  Well done... I cracked up over this! 

There was a man who worked for the Post whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited my only living friend over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friend.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:


Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friend.
We had a very nice day and I told my friend of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $5 missing. I think it was those c**ts at the Post Office.
Sincerely,
Edna

Ooh ooh I just made up another of my patented lame ass jokes!


Why shouldn't you get married out in the bush?

because there is no reception out there.




Oh man i think i just vomited in my own mouth a bit.

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said,"It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

Another little chestnut I made up:


Why shouldn't you get married in the outback?

Because there is such poor reception.

that was shit liam.

the first one 2 posts down was way better!

oops i forgot I already posted that! 

 

you don't even need to tell jokes, you make me laugh anyway!

laugh at you tho, not with you (naturally)

Hey leave Liam alone! It's not his fault he's a bit special 

Anyway...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Stuart, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Stuart.

 

kazuntight!

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

 

That's as funny as the baked beans ending up in Cairns joke!!!

You better not be trying to claim that as your own. It has been floating around in various forms for ages.

Its really just another take on my favourite joke when I was in primary school.....

Did you hear about the 2 antennas that got married?
The wedding was shit but the reception was fantastic.

No vomit in my mouth from that one thankfully.

Oh...

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing a calendar?
He got 12 months!


Yep, here comes that vomit.

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, Maude & Mabel, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Mabel pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted. BAM

that only got posted last week...

that makes me laugh! I just got it in an email.

two goldies in the latest ZOO....


How do you prevent your wife asking "Does my bum look big in this?"

Don't marry a fat bitch.




What did the poofter say to the other poofter before going on holidays?

Need any help packing your shit?

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

"These damn girls night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties."

"You think that's bad?!" said the other husband, "Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her ass that says:

From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.

__





   

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and

He shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . .



"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man, so he hired the famous

Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he

was gone.

A few days later, he received this report:
MOST HONOLABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE.
I WATCH HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.
I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL.
I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE.
SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE.
SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE.
SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME.
I FALL OUT OF TREE.
I NO SEE.

NO FEE.
CHEN LEE.
SOLLEE.

Heres a little something I've been working on lately:



Why did the midget hooker quit her job?

Because she thought she was selling herself short.





I'm still trying to get the delivery right, but the joke is there. Any suggestions?

Just keep on keeping on Liam. That's quality! I heart your sense of humour 

 You could say ' her mon told her she was selling herself short'

 

you can only say mon is she was a jamaican

Tried this out today, definitely an improvement. Oh, I said mum though, not mon. Mon sounds like part of a vagina.

Mon... Vagina? I am confused!

So, I'm sooo sick of all these Pro-Bono lawyers!!! I personally hate U2.
 

Is that midget at the Garden a hooker? I thought she wanted five bucks for a photo.

Two hookers were having a conversation about their line of work and the best way to attract clients. One of the hookers , being considerably shorter than the average prosti, said that she found the easiest way to turn a trick was to appeal to the fetishists out there. "I advertise as a midget. You'd be suprised if you knew just how many Johns wanna fuck a dwarf" she stated. The other whore just shook her head sadly and said in a comforting tone, "That's all well and good honey, but I think you're selling yourself short."

Whaddya reckon Liam?

  your jocular senses are highly developed my friend.


 

P.S. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mons_pubis

 :lol:you learn something new everyday!! Thanks.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

PS The pro-bono was all my work 

 

Really! Nice one!   

IT IS LONG BUT IT IS WORTHY!!!!! 

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

 

awesome... god i hate religions freaks!

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

 



A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

 

 Guy behind the counter says, Male or female

 Customer says, female

 Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

 Customer says, 'White.'
 Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?

 Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'
 Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

 

 lmao:rofl:

  I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.   
 
 

haha those last few are gold mate.

    That joke is the bomb shit!

I've decided to write a book.

Roost thinks it's a novel idea.

 *cricket noises*

 

HOWZAAAAAAAAAAT!!!

*more cricket noises*

 

fucking gold 

I love you Leezee 

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation centre.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself, but they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation centre.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Haha nice one Ness! 


Got this one in an email the other day, amusing imo.


A woman on a flight asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

Of course, what may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits.  Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her, the official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next'

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

apolgies for these ones...



a man walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave him one

i was in a car accident today. a dwarf jumped out of the car that i hit and he said "i'm not happy" so i asked "so which one are you?"

2 monkeys in a bath one goes "oooooo oooooo aaaa aaaa" the other one says "well put some cold in"

how do you get 5 fat birds into bed? piece of cake...

did my first comedy gig lastnight at the local old peoples home they did'nt get any of the jokes but all still pissed themselves


who is the nicest person in a hospital?

the ultra-sound guy

2 suicide bombers walk into a bar.

Boom, boom.

2 drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

bu bum tiiiiish






A down’s syndrome boy goes to the ice cream van and asks for an ice cream. The van driver says "no bother pal what flavour would you like"?
The down’s syndrome boy replies" it doesn’t matter i’ll drop it anyway".




I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."



I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


A boy asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"

His father replies "Follow me" and takes him into his bedroom to his wife asleep in bed.

The father pulls up the covers and points between his wife's legs and says "That's a pussy".

The boy replies "Can I touch it?" The father says "No, you will wake the cunt".



Little Johnny is at the Zoo with his parents...

he is by the Elephant enclosure with his Mum, and pointing at the elepahant, asks her, " Mummy, what's that?"

"That's the elephant's trunk"

"No, not that. Between it's legs"

"Oh, that's nothing Johnny, never you mind".

Johnny then goes to his dad, and asks, "Daddy, what's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail, son"

"No. Not that, the thing underneath"

"Oh. That's the Elephant's penis"

"How come when I asked Mummy, she said it was nothing?"

"Son, I've spoiled that woman......."



Anyone heard that latest rumour, that Victoria Beckham had an affair with Michael Jackson?

Michael Jackson has said it's all lies, because he was in Brooklyn at the time.


A homeless man is rooting through a garbage dumpster scouting for some food. In his search, he finds an old broken mirror, looks in it, and is aghast at what he sees. He runs to the next policeman and says "Officer, officer! I've found a dead guy in the garbage dumpster just around the corner!"

The police officer immediately runs to the scene of the crime, cautiously opens the dumpster, looks into the mirror and pulls back in shock. "Dear god, they've killed one of our men!"

The officer takes the mirror as evidence back to headquarters, but forgets it in his coat pocket. That evening his daughter rummages through her father's coat pocket looking for a bit of spare change and finds the mirror. She looks in it and says, "Mommy, mommy! Daddy's got a girlfriend!"

The mother rushes to see, looks in the mirror, and exclaims, "Ah, what an ugly cunt!"


After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."


Builder on the third floor forgot to bring his saw up with him. Shouts down, but co-worker can't hear him. So he does sign language. Points to his eye (i) his knee (need) and moves his hand back and forth in a saw motion. Co-worker nods, pulls down his trousers and starts furiously wanking. Furious the builder runs down the stairs and shouts "What the hell are you doing? I said I need my saw" "I know" says the co-worker, "just letting you know I was coming"


After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"

The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."


An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says "no".
He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot father"

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat.
The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker! "
Priest: "Uh, please, the lord is watching would you please mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big fucker"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner."

So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings to the Mother Superior.
Bishop: "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?"

Mother Superior: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Mother Superior: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook the fucker tonight."

Well, then the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it.

Priest: "I caught the fucker!"

Bishop: "And I cleaned the fucker!"

Mother Superior: "And I cooked the fucker!"

There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a spliff, pours himself a large whisky and says, "You know what? You cunts are alright."

The Pope one was good! 

 The Pope one

And the pope one 

this reminds me so much of me:

image not archived: golf.png

yeah he looks just like you 

 An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.

"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."



 The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

“Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and
forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”

The bartender nodded. “Well if you’re that far in you may as well finish.”

 

image not archived: Locke.jpg

Highlight to see if you dare:


How do you titty fuck a 6 year old girl?

Crush her sternum.




How do you make a five year old boy cry twice?

Wipe your bloodied penis on his teddy bear.

true leezee style

*shakes head*

 

I'm going to hell.

The first one was particularly shocking!

Q. What's the difference between a terrorist, and women who is menstruating?

A. You can negotiate with a terrorist

BAM!

legendary!!

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her
expensive new outfit. She posed this way and that before her husband,
looking on with disinterest, and remarked "Your bum is the size of a
3-burner barbecue!"
 
Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed, he leant over, tapped her on
the shoulder, and asked hopefully "How about it?"
 
She replied "It's hardly worth lighting the whole Barbecue for half a
sausage"!

I went to see my friend's new baby today.

She asked me if I'd like to wind it but I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a dead leg. 

that is terrible, love it 

Little Johnny is in the bath with his Dad when he says,

"Daddy why is my willy different from yours?"

His Dad replies, "Well for a start son, yours isn't erect".

not bad, not bad

Bahaha Gold

Where do kings keep their armies?
















In their sleevies. 

  seriously dude, that is gold!

A man's running his eye over a menu in a restaurant when his attractive waitress asks him what he'd fancy.

"A quickie, please."

"Sir," she says, "I'll ask you one more time, is there anything that takes your fancy?"

"Yes," says the man again. "A quickie." Outraged she slaps him across the face and storms back across the restaurant in a huff.

"Mate," says the guy at the next table, "it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Double post but I had to!!! 

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

Brilliant!

Erica. You, my friend, are a shining beacon of light in this otherwise pain riddled world I live in. I salute you.

P.S. gold!

props!

the quiche 1 is gold

Shine on beacon! Shine on.

I had a car crash last week. I almost cracked up when he got out & I saw he was a dwarf.

Anyway, so he gets out of his car & says to me, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?" 

That Rotteweiller one is awesome!

I bought a racehorse today. I've decided to call him "MY FACE". I don't care if he never wins a race or

makes me any money. Just wanna hear thousands of those  posh tarts at Flemington calling out
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
"Come On My Face"

 

  I'll pay that! Gold.

I killed a doona the other day...

To be honest, I'm feeling a bit quilty about it. 

Doubled again. Sorry!

How does a butcher introduce his wife?!

Meet Patty! 

What do you call cheese thats not yours?

Nacho cheese.

Lame joke trend continuing:


What's a pig's favourite Shakespeare play?

Hamlet


What do you call a missing parrot?

A polygon.


How can you find the blind man in the nudist colony?

It isn't hard.


And something for the fans:

Sarah Jessica Parker walked into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long face??"


 

giddy up!

Fucking hell i was just about to ask khem why SJP look so much like a horse!

Spooky!

her dad was a thoroughbred

Fuck I'm stealing the SJP joke! 

Why not? I did! 

She's one of those old horses that sit in the shade of the field munching grass until greed outweighs sentiment and they're sent to the glue factory! 

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey,
I no
come work today, I really sick. Got
headache,
stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come
work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung
Chow, I
really need you today. When I feel like
this, I
go to my wife and tell her to give me
sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work.
You try
that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I
do what
you say and I feel great. I be at work
soon........ You got nice house.'

  lovely

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go......"

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Dave, you're a vet..."

what did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

dam

 

That's awesome ;p

The balloon family are asleep one night when a thunder storm breaks out.

Baby balloon is scared and runs into his parent's room where he tries to squeeze into their bed.

There's no room so he lets some of the air out of his Dad.

He still can't get in so he lets some air out of his Mom too.

He still can't  get in, so in desperation he lets a lot of air out of himself and then squeezes in.

In the morning his Dad is furious.

"Son, you've let me down! you've let your Mum down! But most of all, you've let yourself down!!"

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.

So he says, ‘Do you know me?’

To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’

 

A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things:   
       
1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.   
       
Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke?   
       
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

LAME WARNING!!!

An elderly couple was having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says, "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant that I'd highly recommend.

The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "A carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggests, "The poppy?"

"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...... Something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck,
and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation
coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this.
'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher,
she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time,
she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
'So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting a new kitchen.'

This dude posted up his thoughts on a blog. They are laughably bad, so I will share them with you so you can take pity on the one Jack Handley...


I've never groaned so much in my life. Reading through was quite painful.

Some great Country and Western song titles...

“The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful”

“I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better”

“Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ’Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye”

“I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You”

“If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You”

“I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well”

“My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him”

“You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly”

“I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here”

“If the Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me”

“She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles”

“She’s Looking Better After Every Beer”

“I Haven’t Gone to Bed With Any Ugly Women But I’ve Sure Woke Up With Some”

“How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”

“If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?”

Thought I may post this in here just as well for those who do their best to avoid the AFL thread.

Did you guys hear how they found Elisabeth Fritzl's diary last week?
Was an interesting read indeed.

Monday: Stayed in. Dad came down and fucked me.
Tuesday: Stayed in. Dad fucked me.
Wednesday: Stayed in. Dad fucked me and the kids.
Thursday: Stayed in. Dad fucked me.
Friday: Stayed in. Dad made me swallow his load. Then fucked me.
Saturday: Went and watched Port Power play. Should have stayed in.

  nice noddy....

did you know that statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape?

 

 Did you know that most surveys have an error rate of 10%?

ahahaha I love this one:










There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
 
Just before he died he said to his wife, 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

 

When he died he was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

 

Her friend said, 'I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'


The loyal wife replied 'I can't go back on my word. I promised him.'


'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?'


'I sure did' said the wife'. 'I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.'

 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain where they name him "Juan".

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband replies, "They’re twins honey. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.....and then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side was cut off? Well!!! He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell into wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The geology professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat Miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

I had a heaps cool joke that had the A-Flat Minor line as a punchline around the time of the Beaconsfield incident. Can't remember it now, but at the time it got plenty of disgusted looks.

I keep having my profile on that dating website "Match.com" rejected.
> One of the questions is, "What do you want in a woman?".
> Apparently "my cock" is not an acceptable answer.
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, "you've all got one
> minute to get out!"
> The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, "you cunt!"
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> why are women like clouds? eventually they fuck off and its a really
> nice day
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
> Whats the difference between light and hard?
> You can sleep with a light on.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man walks into a petrol station and says, "can I please have a
> KitKat Chunky?"
> The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back
> to him.
> "No," says the man, "I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch."
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these
> mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
> We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and,
> when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her
> forehead.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to
> check her balance.
> So I pushed her over.
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7
> miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled
> wheels and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and
> we'll send you the video, it's fucking hilarious....
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
> shuttlecocks.
> Bad minton.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate "My mother-in-law is an
> angel". His dude replies "You're so fucking lucky... Mine is still
> alive..."
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
> A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
> The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> 2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts
> over 10 minutes.
> "Crikey mate, that was impressive!"
> "I get lots of practice" Replied the other guy. "My Wifes epileptic"

 

heard this one today, i thought of Drew

what do 9 out of 10 people enjoy
























gang rape

thats a good one

what do women and cricket have in common?













as soon as the pads are on you know its time for a bat.

A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"

"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."

whats brown and rhymes with snoop?
















































dr dre

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she.

Something to get you through the afternoon 


A suicide bomber runs into a pet shop and yells, 'You've all got 30 seconds to get out!'
The tortoise at the back of the shop shouts, 'You bastard!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why are women like clouds? Eventually they piss off and its a really nice day
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'Can I please have a KitKat Chunky?'
The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to him.
'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big frigging big red mark on her forehead.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes. Give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's bloody hilarious....
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks.
Bad minton.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so bloody lucky... Mine's still alive...'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; 'Piss off, you won't bring it back.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over 10 minutes.
'Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' Replied the other guy. 'My Wifes an epileptic.'
 

 
 
 

 

1. Something which has never occurred since time immemorial: a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap (1900 BC – 1600 BC Sumerian Proverb Collection 1.12-1.13)

2. How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish (An abridged version first found in 1600 BC on the Westcar Papryus)

3. Three ox drivers from Adab were thirsty: one owned the ox, the other owned the cow and the other owned the wagon's load. The owner of the ox refused to get water because he feared his ox would be eaten by a lion; the owner of the cow refused because he thought his cow might wander off into the desert; the owner of the wagon refused because he feared his load would be stolen. So they all went. In their absence the ox made love to the cow which gave birth to a calf which ate the wagon's load. Problem: Who owns the calf?! (1200 BC)

4. A woman who was blind in one eye has been married to a man for 20 years. When he found another woman he said to her, "I shall divorce you because you are said to be blind in one eye." And she answered him: "Have you just discovered that after 20 years of marriage!?" (Egyptian circa 1100 BC)

5. Odysseus tells the Cyclops that his real name is nobody. When Odysseus instructs his men to attack the Cyclops, the Cyclops shouts: "Help, nobody is attacking me!" No one comes to help. (Homer. The Odyssey 800 BC)

6. Question: What animal walks on four feet in the morning, two at noon and three at evening? Answer: Man. He goes on all fours as a baby, on two feet as a man and uses a cane in old age (Appears in Oedipus Tyrannus and first performed in 429 BC)

7. Man is even more eager to copulate than a donkey - his purse is what restrains him (Egyptian, Ptolemaic Period 304 BC – 30 BC)

8. Augustus was touring his Empire and noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself. Intrigued he asked: "Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?" "No your Highness," he replied, "but my father was." (Credited to the Emporer Augustus 63 BC – 29 AD)

9. Wishing to teach his donkey not to eat, a pedant did not offer him any food. When the donkey died of hunger, he said "I've had a great loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he died." (Dated to the Philogelos 4th /5th Century AD)

10. Asked by the court barber how he wanted his hair cut, the king replied: "In silence." (Collected in the Philogelos or "Laughter-Lover" the oldest extant jest book and compiled in the 4th/5th Century AD)

Remains of five children have been found in the
search of a children's home in Jersey. However,
police say there is unlikely to be a murder
inquiry because it's impossible to date the
remains. Gary Glitter says he's willing to give
it a go.

oh that's nasty.

 THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.    My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She slowly took off all her clothes apart from a tiny white thong and said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:   

Always keep your condoms in your car.






Also I'm working on a little sumthin somthin so stay tuned (or keep out of the thread, whichever you prefer)...

Brilliant!

 Fuck that took me ages

 

oh lord that is funny liam!

A young choirboy goes into the confessional. ‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.’
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, Charlie?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation.’
‘Well, Charlie, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Brown?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
’’Was it Margaret Doyle?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Anne O’ Neil?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Catherine 0’Toole, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped Charlie, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now off you go and behave yourself.’
Charlie walks back to his pew. His friend Tommy slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
‘4 months’ holiday and five good leads.’

 

Got this in an email


MEATY BITES DIET

            I've got 2 dogs.

I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at the check-out.
            A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
            On impulse, I told  her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs  before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
            I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
            I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
            Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned by the food. I told her, no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the road licking my arse and a car hit me.
            I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.


            Stupid b!tch...why else would I buy dog food??

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea

A guy goes to his doctor and says...

"Doctor,doctor I cant help but keep fucking black 17 year olds"

The doctor replied...

"No worries, I can prescribe you some niggateen patches"

got told a cracker last night. So so so wrong but so funny.

What do 1 in 10 people hate?
Date rape.

 

 Gang rape even.

 

 

Yeah that's the one. Worlds worst joke re-teller!

Welcome to Adelaide Massive, May 2008.

and it's what 9 out of 10 people love!

Worst slaughter of a good joke ever.

It's official. Even Del is funnier than Spacey!

we need more jokes people!

What did the baker get for her birthday?

A bunch of flours.

liam.... that was bad.

number 1 with a bullet buddy

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a real sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Hee hee, very clever one Oli!

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.




Whats the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture

why did Beyonce sing "To the left, to the left"





Cos blacks have no rights

Aging Aunt Bertha was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said,

'Your heart would be just below your left breast.'

 
Later that night... Bertha was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A Somalian arrives in  Sydney as a new immigrant to  Australia . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ...'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'


The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in  Australia .' The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I am from  Yugoslavia !'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from  Italy , I am not from  Australia !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian?'. She says , 'No, I am from  Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?' The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.


I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic' - 'wow!' I was flabbergasted.


'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'


She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.


'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'


She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.


Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'


So I told her to fuck off.

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blowjobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ..
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellish banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're history.'

Two gay men were in a dark alley, when a policeman shone his torch into it. 


One of them ran off, but the policeman grabbed the other one. " You dirty bastard" he said, "If I had caught your mate, I would have shoved this truncheon up his arse" 

A voice from down the alley called out "Yoo - hoo, I'm in the wheely bin!"

Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.

A woman asks, 'What are you?' 

He says, 'I'm a Fireman' ???     
 
'But you're only wearing a glass jar?', says the woman.

'Exactly!   In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!'

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.


Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:

  'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cosy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,

'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the
wine coolly for a few seconds, not even looking at the man, then decided
to send a reply to him by a note.   The waiter, who was lingering
nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.



The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank
and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own
in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.



It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in
my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana .. There's more twenty million dollars in my
bank account and portfolio.  But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are,
would I cut off three inches.  Just send the bottle back, OK?'

GEORGE works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, GEORGE 'Hey, ! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says GEORGE.  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks GEORGE if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around GEORGE, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi GEOGIE. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

GEORGE's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

GEORGE follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

GEORGE tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it ..

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez GEORGE, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


GEORGE's funeral will be on Friday.
 

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I
thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone
booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself
Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the
right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long
graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says.

Wow! she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd
like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be
straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the
whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys,
everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all
night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip
cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9.'

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'

Shit effort patch. Not enough IMO.

 

heard afew jokes on the weekend, some of you got em in sms'

what has 2 legs and bleed?
half a dog

how do you turn a fruit into vegetable
aids

how do you get a gay man to fuck your girlfriend
shit in her cunt

That book was funny as fuck. Wish I could remember more.

What do Princess Diana and the Queen Mother have in common?
They both died pushing 102.

  @ half a dog

why can't stevie wonder read?

cos he's black


boom-tish

this is great!

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

What’s the best way of punishing dyslexic criminals?

Give them a long sentence.

http://www.dumbjokesthatarefunny.com/

Love the cymbal clap after every shitty joke...

haha excellent!

 

Whats the difference between a smart midget and a venereal disease?

One's a cunning runt...

i would have thought the answer was that the midget hadn't slept with you!


aii, here's one i got sent to me today. thought it was alright.
 

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful!   What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more
times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around
the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After
supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and
then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

 No............I'm a rabbit in Surrey

  classic!