The Simpsons Quote Thread

better get this up an running again..

Homer whilst using a computer: "To start press anykey". "Wheres the anykey"

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!
Bart: I guess I could do that.
Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die!

Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: *thinks* A dinosaur!

Homer to the lady in charge of the diamond mining monkeys

*in a posh voice while drinking a cup of tea*
"So, i noticed your house smells of feces"

Homer - marge, can we get a duck...
Marge - you already have a monkey
Homer - can he get a duck ?
 :laugh:

Marge: Why didn't you tell me you were bringing home a filthy monkey?
Homer: This filthy monkey made the orange juice you're drinking!

Mojo what have they done to you?
Pray .. for .. mojo!!

i love the line in the film where during a scene of panic, homer and co are in the church and he's flicking through the bible and cries out in despair
"this book - it doesnt have any answers!"
 :laugh:

Bart:Hello, Mr....Kurns. I bad want money now. Me sick.
Homer: Ooh, he card reads good!
Bart:So pick please me, Mr. Burns...
Homer:It's "Kurns," stupid!

Homer: (Looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items) "So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?"

Homer: I'd like to introduce you all to a very special woman. She's 200 years old, 500 feet tall, and weighs over 200... tons.
Man in Crowd: This enormous woman will devour us all! YAAAAGH!
Homer: I meant the statue.

pilot - i didn't think i was going to be flying this morning, so i've been taking heroin.

dam you courtney this is what i was coming in here to do :P

Rainier Wolfcastle: That is some outfit, Scoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
*crowd boos*
Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.



Lisa: It's from my pen pal, Anya!
Anya: "Dear Lisa - as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and...
Gruff male voice: ...replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl."

Willy "if i dont save the wee turtles who will"

Willy again seconds later" ah save me from the wee turtles they were to quick for me'

I love that part.

Witness Relocation Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hm? When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Homer: Check.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer says nothing]
Worker: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stays silent.]
Worker: Ugh, now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson!
[Homer stares blankly for several seconds.]
Homer: I think he's talking to you.



Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Bob: No!
Homer: Oh, two against one!

Both top drawer.

Professor: Good morning, and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces. But as the old saying goes, "Out with the old, in with the nucleus"!
[Everyone laughs except Homer. The professor drops his notecards. Homer laughs obnoxiously while the rest of the class remains silent.]
Homer: Did you see that jerk? He dropped his notes! [continues laughing obnoxiously]

One of my favourite parts ever.

Smithers: Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are gonna go far. Ladies and gentlemen, The Ramones!
Mr Burns: Ah. These minstrels will sooth my jangled nerves.
Joey Ramone: I'd just like to say this gig sucks!
Johnny Ramone: Hey, up yours, Springfield!
The Ramones: ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR! [music starts] Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday, Burnsie, Happy Birthday to you!
C.J. Ramone: Go to Hell, you old bastard!
[Mr. Burns is shaking with anger at his table.]
Marky Ramone: [after the curtain closes] Hey, I think they liked us!
Mr. Burns: Have The Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!



Homer: [reading 'Springfield Shopper'] Oh... my... god!!!!
Lisa: What is it?
Homer: Trammampoline! Trabompoline!

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Homer while writing a food review:
Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff.
Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

japanese citizen to his wife : "it's the curies we must leave"

Homer: Ahh! A bear is eating my father!
Selma: I'm Selma!
Homer: Ahh! A talking bear is eating my father!

Lisa: Mom, Dad! Bart and Stampy ran away!
Marge: Oh my god!
Lisa: I bet it was because of that ivory dealer, dad!
Homer: They took Bart too? *screams from his window* That wasn't part of the deal Blackheart! That wasn't part!!!!

Thats a pretty sorry lookin wagon,
You got a problem with that,
As a matter of fact i do............. you missed a spot!!

Gonna paint the wagon, gonna paint it fine, gonna use oil based paint cause the wood is pine!!

Ponderosa pine .. woo oooh!!

"Conga conga conga... we love Monty Burns more... conga like you mean
it... Please don't you make me shock you!"

"Conga conga conga... we love Monty Burns more... conga like you mean
it... Please don't you make me shock you!"

Lisa: Look, there's only one way to settle this. Rock-paper-scissors.
Lisa's brain: Poor predictable Bart. Always takes `rock'.
Bart's brain: Good ol' `rock'. Nuthin' beats that!
Bart: Rock!
Lisa: Paper.
Bart: D'oh!

Homer- “I love these real Saturdays. So relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday which almost got me fired.”

Homer- “I love these real Saturdays. So relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday which almost got me fired.”

I love that part.

Homer: I love these lazy Saturday's.
Marge: It's Wednesday Homer.
Homer: AHH, WORK.

Kirk Van Houten: I told that idiot to slice my sandwich.



Nobody will get that unless you remember the scene.

MOE:

listen to me you! when i catch you, im gona pull out your eyes and shove em down your pants! so you can watch me kick the crap out of you! and im gonna use your toung to paint my boat!

After the lottery numbers are announced -

Grandpa: I knew we wouldn't win.
Homer: YOU DID? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL THE REST OF US?!? WHY DID YOU KEEP IT A SECRET!? *Looks to Bart* If you were 17 we'd be rich but NOOOOO you had to be 10!

------------------

Ned Flanders: And Harry Potter and his friends went straight to hell for practicing witch craft.

------------------

Complaining about uniforms -

Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!
Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?
Homer: *on the phone* Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!
Homer: Aww I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are listening.
Lisa: We're not weiners!
Homer: Then why are you dressed like that for?
Bart + Lisa: They made us!
Homer: Ooooh they made us. That's loser talk! You gotta start acting more like me and my team, the future champions of the world. Nothing can stop us now!
[Inside Burns office]
Mr. Burns STOP EVERYTHING!

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco mister. Whoops, it fell in the fryer, I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Crazy old man: Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...
TV announcer: And now the Crazy Old Man Singers.
Crazy Old Men: Old grey mare she ain't what she used to be, ain't what she used to be...

Ralph 'my cats breath smells like cat food'

Homer: "Now Marge, just remember, if something goes wrong
at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.  Ah Tibor, how
many times have you saved my butt? Hehehehe"

later...
Smithers: "That idiot Tibor lost the keys!"


Homer: Dad, that will never work.  If you want to make your
       move, you got to play it...cool.
       [jazz bass and cymbals start playing]
       Now what you gotta do
       If you wanna get a kiss
       Is act real smooth
       And make your move like this:
       [stands up, stretches and yawns, and sits down again,
       arm still outstretched so it lands around Abe's
       shoulder]
  Abe: Oh, I see!
       So if I take your advice
       And make your patented move,
       Then my chances for love
       Will slightly improve?
       [does the Homer move]
Homer: [giggles] Now what's that rule?
  Abe: Play it cool.

Skinner: How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips?
Nelson: How come you suck?
Skinner: I lack confidence

Lisa: Mom isn't there anything vegetarian?
Wolfcastle: Hahaha Homer, I see your daughter is one of those whale kissing moon maidens.
Homer: Hehe, yeah one time she... oh she's looking at us… be cool!

Wolfcastle: Laughing time is over.

Scorpio: Say before we continue our tour would you mind hanging my coat up on the wall please?

Homer: Mhm. Um...er...? Let's see um...ahh wah

Scorpio: HAHAHAHA, relax Homer. Here at Globex we don't believe in walls. Matter of fact I didn't even give you my coat!

Homer: Hmmm?!

Scorpio:

Homer: Wooow!

trying is the first step to failure

- homer simpson

Scorpio rocked.

Scorpio: Ingenious isn't it, Mr. Bunt?
Bunt: Scorpio, you're totally mad!
Scorpio: I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk!
Bunt: Do you expect me to talk?
Scorpio: I don't expect anything from you except to die and have a very cheap funeral!

Marge: I don't understand why we have to build a ray gun to aim at a planet I never even heard of.
Homer: Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos!

mmmm.... floor pie.

mmmm.... floor pie.

Homer: Unguarded breakfast... the sweetest taboo.

Hands down the funniest moment in the Simpsons.

[video: www.youtube.com]

So many great episodes but this is definitely up there with the best of them.

Homer: Time to do what I do best... ruin it for everybody.

Snake: Yo, empty the register, dude!
Apu: Okay, okay you are the boss. (pushes button)
           SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED!

Lenny: (driving and talking on phone with Carl) All the traffic lights are out. Driving sure is dangerous.
Carl: Yeah, tell me about it. I got some yuppie jerk off headed right for me, yakking away on his cell phone.
Lenny: I hear that, I got some big shot barreling down on me. Hey, who ya talking to, your boyfriend!?
Carl: Hey jackass, your voice sounds familiar. (they avoid each other and crash into a building)
Lenny: I don't hear an alarm. Let’s take stuff.
Carl: Isn't that stealing?
Lenny: No, it's just looting.


...................................................



Bart: Look at those looters, breaking things, setting fires. They're living my dream and you won't let me join them. Please can I throw one little…
Homer: No!
Bart: What if I just burn down a…
Homer: No!
Bart: Can I at least…
Homer: No! I've caused enough trouble already by plugging in that Santa Claus. No more irresponsible behavior.
Bart: Can I have a beer.
Homer: Alright, but not the imported.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: You've got to set limits, Marge!


...........................................



(Everyone's looting and Moe breaks his own window and steals his own cash register, when he realizes that it's his own bar.)
Moe: Oh crap!

Jimmy: Hey Grandpa, will you teach me fishing?

Grandpa: No Jimmy, your grandmother and I are going to have old people sex.... Thanks Jammitin!

Homer From now on I am gonna eat everything in bar form

*puts large bowel of pasta and meatballs into compactor, compacts it untill a bar is made then eats it*

Homer Hospital Please

Homers reminder written on his hand:
Lenny - White
Carl - Black

Homer: Oh yeahh..

 

Homer: Bart gets to ride up front today cos he's a good guy in sports.

Oh man that looked gross.

Marge: Lisa, you got a letter.
Lisa: It's from my pen pal, Anya!
Anya: "Dear Lisa - as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and...
Gruff male voice: ...replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl."



Ned Flanders: [threateningly] Say your prayers, Simpson ...because the schools can't force you like they should! Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church!



Wiggum: And once a man is in your home, anything you do to him is nice and legal.
Homer: Is that so? Oh, Flanders! Won't you join me in my kitchen?
Wiggum: Uh, it doesn't work if you invite him.
[Flanders enters.]
Flanders: Hey-dilly hey!
Homer: [sourly] Go home.
Flanders: [unfazed] Too-dilly doo!

Homer: Hey kids, wanna drive through that cactus patch?
Bart: Yeah!
Lisa: Yeah!
Bob: [trailing Simpsons under the car] No!
Homer: Oh well, two against one!



Witness Relocation Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hm? When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Homer: Check.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer says nothing]
Worker: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stays silent.]
[The clock goes forward several hours and the rest of the family is dozing off.]
Worker: [impatiently] Ugh, now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: [stomping on his foot repeatedly] Hello, Mr. Thompson!
[Homer stares blankly for several seconds.]
Homer: [whispering to other agent] I think he's talking to you.

As Bart is sleeping, Homer bursts in with a butcher knife and a tray.]
Homer: [shouting nearly unintelligibly and brandishing the knife] BART, DO YOU WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?!!?
[Bart screams.]
Homer: Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart: [sighs in relief] Dad, I'm kind of edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not running in my room screaming and brandishing a butcher knife!
Homer: Why? [brief pause] Oh, right, the Sideshow Bob thing. I'm sorry, boy.
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves, then bursts through the door again, brandishing a hockey mask and a running chainsaw.]
Homer: BART, DO YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?!?!
[Bart screams.]
Homer: [turns off the chainsaw] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?



Best.Episode.EVER.

'I wash myself with a rag on a stick' is my fave 

Homer: hello, my name is mr burns. i believe you have a letter for me?

Post office person: okay mr burns whats ur first name?

Homer:  i don't know....

 

_________________________________


homer: mmmm... forbidden donut

Man in white coat pouring pills into Marge's hands for Lisa: Give her this, and this, and theeese

Marge: OK, thank you doctor

Man: Ohh, I'm not a doctor.


 

Chief Wiggum: All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is not something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.
Crazy Guy: Forget the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?!
Wiggum: I already told you: you don't get a gun 'til you tell me your name!
Crazy Guy: I've had it up to here with your..."RULES!"

Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!

Grandpa: I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I had to take the ferry to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. I had an onion on my belt, because it was the style at the time. Of course, you couldn't get white onions, because of the war. You could only get the big yellow ones. Now the ferry ride to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days, cost a nickel, but back in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them. Gimme 5 bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now the important thing was, I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time...

Lisa: Look, there's only one way to settle this. Rock-paper-scissors.
Lisa's brain: Poor predictable Bart. Always takes `rock'.
Bart's brain: Good ol' `rock'. Nuthin' beats that!
Bart: Rock!
Lisa: Paper.
Bart: D'oh!

I love that one!

Love that quote!

Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidentally" with "repeatedly," and replace "dog" with "son."

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

Homer: Don't you hate pants?!

homer - *pours beer into lisa's project* oh i'm sorry honey, i thought he was a party robot.

[In the dressing room, after Homer's first opera performance]

    Bart: Dad, you were great!
    Lisa: And you contributed to our culture!
    Homer: Well, I didn't mean to.
    Lisa: No, no, it's a good thing.
    Homer: Oh, good. This makes up for me showing up drunk to the father-daughter dance.
    Lisa: The dance isn't 'til next week.
    Homer: Sorry, Lisa, you can't change the future.

best quote!   

Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.

Homer: I'm not normally a praying man but if your up there please save me superman 

Kym Thomas likes this.

 

Couple of classics from easily the greatest animated character ever.

I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: "Cover for me". Number 2: "Oh, good idea boss". Number 3: "It was like that when I got here".

I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

frank grimes: youve been to outer space

homer: you never been?


frank grimes is my number 1 ep

Bart: Who are you?
L.T. Smash: Aw, you'll find out in due time.
Bart: <reading an ID badge hanging from the mirror> Well, it says here your name is L. T. Smash.
L.T. Smash: The time has come. I'm L. T. Smash.

Nsync: Thrust, Spin, Turn, Pivot, Pout, Jiggy, Jiggy, Robot, Dosee-do and close with a Matrix.

i can't believe i'm getting to meet milhouse!

word!

Homer: That's a door?!

Lisa: But, but .. your pant legs.

wow, cant beleive its taken 20 years of simpsons for someone to notice this

if you take all the mcbain clips from the simpsons and put them in order, they make up a full mini mcbain movie!

http://splitsider.com/2011/02/the-full-mcbain-movie-hidden-across-multiple-simpsons-episodes/

Haha awesome.

This link is from 4 years ago but obviously didn't make as much of an impact as the current revelation because I didn't hear of it then: http://www.milkandcookies.com/link/68209/detail/