Keyser's MatchMaking Service

Hey y'all. Looking for that special someone? I'm here to help. Just give me some intimate details about you... age, sex, likes, dislikes etc... and I'll help you find the perfect partner from this very forum!!! Just don't blame me if it doesn't work out. I can lead the horse to water but I can't make it drink.

How much does this service cost? Is the fee a once off or is it recurring? Or per match?

I might be interested pending answers to above questions.

you know me, hook me up nigga 

This service is totally free.*









*If you do hook-up with someone, I'd like to see some naughty pictures or a home video if possible. Thank you.

24, Male and Hetero.

Likes: Wasting time on forums responding to silly threads. Listening to music of many genres but these days the favourites are electro, jazz, funk, older hip hop, trip hop and lo-fi, and synthpop. Photography. Travelling (Europe in particular). Meeting new people, but only in more civilized parts of the world, like Europe.

Dislikes: Having to close or delete disturbing threads. Being stuck in Adelaide. The idea of 'settling down' (at least anytime soon).

Looking forward to hearing from you Keyser!

 

haha...round 2!

go Keyser!

i daresay this thread will be very closely moderated 

Of course it will. Remember, I have no sense of humour and it's people like me who are making the world a worse place and I want to be dictator of Australia and I want to have total power over everything and I hate freedom of expression that's why I don't let anyone discuss anything on here that I don't agree with!

i was more referring to that fact that it is affiliated with keyser 

you do however make some valid points 

 

I've decided that I'm gonna keep out of this thread - it's a tough choice but it's for the best...I think it has a much better chance of staying unlocked if i keep my sense of humour out of it...

 

and my question was how to make the whores drink...

ba-doom-tsh

 

Oh my Chris, your awesome!

How does darling Tash put up with you! 

wtf is 'synthpop'

I am Sorted .... but thanks   

Heard of Kraftwerk?

No shit, I had that down, but I figured I didn't want this thread locked after only one post. I'm having to censor myself now!
Anyways... timboh


I actually thought that we had something going on, dude. After all we have shared, you come to me and ask me to 'hook you up'?!? The fuckin' nerve, guy! I'll tell ya what, man. You like to play poker, right? I see that Alana, aka snappytom, expressed some interest in the AM poker tourney, so why don't you two get a fucking room and you can poke-her as much as you fucking like, you bastard!

And Oli. Your likes include such things as..
You obviously have to find someone with similar interests to you, and the female that likes to spend the most time responding to silly threads on AM is the one known as Lexy. 37days, 16hours and 26minutes of doing just that in fact. And she also dislikes to delete or close disturbing threads. Oh, I'm not talking about the Maroon 5/crack incidents here, I'm talking about her reluctance to do anything about the Om Nom Nom thread, one of the most heinous threads on this forum. I think I've found you a winner, Oli. Do bear in mind that she does have a boyfriend; this has never worried old Keyser, but I understand if you're unwilling to become the third wheel.

ur in lexy!

Austria has some nice people i hear

Fucking hell, I wrote that before I saw the little pashing session in the Big Up's thread. Oli, what'd you come to me for help for? You already doing the pimp strut by the looks of it. Oh well, I'll put it down as a victory for Keyser's MatchMaking Service.
One happy customer already!  

 

sorry to break it to you over a public forum 

Hi there,

im a decently attractive 24 year old male who likes video games, music and porn. I have a good job and earn a decent amount of coin. However, the only dates ive been on lately are the girlfriend missions in the new Grand Theft Auto, and saturday night is the loneliest night of the week for me

help me Keyser!

 

Hahahahahaha. This thread is genuinely funny


I'm the type to let that worry me though...

Find me a single alternative please!

specially when her boyfriend looks like this:


crossed with this:

gold thread

we need a list of AM's most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes

That's not a bad idea... Not a bad idea at all!

who needs CLEO's Bachelor of the Year when u have AM Bachelor of the Year!!!

lol good point
it should be better-than-nothingman 

I'd like to throw my hat into the Bachelor ring...

Name: Rob Frost
Age: 26
Sexual Orientation: Hetero, but win at 'gay chicken' regulalry
Race: 'Cracker'
Star: Virgo
Height: 6'0"
Weight: 83kgs
Build: Athletic
Smokes: No
Drinks: Yes
Tattoos: No
Politics: Moderate
Religion: Athiest
Education: Highschool Diploma
Employment: Full time IT professional
Travel History: 1 yr USA, 18 Months UK, Major metro cities around Oz

Likes: Boston Red Sox (GO TEAM!), Funky Music, 70s Cinema, COD4, High Class Porn, Top Gun, Curry, Virtualisation Software, Men's Fashion, Creative Writing, Oliver Ransom, Property Investing, Solution Selling, Relationship Building & Networking, Blow Jobs

Dislikes: Drum and Bass, Asparagus, Fat Chicks

No shit? You're pretty good at it as well I reckon!

Where are the AM ladies who want to make use of this free service?

why not.

Name: Nathan Shea
Age: 19
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Race: European/Mongrel
Star: Pisces
Height: No idea. Maybe 5'11" Probably 6'2" Counting Hair
Weight: No idea once again. Probably around the 65-70 mark
Build: Sexy
Smokes: Yes
Drinks: Yes
Tattoos: Not yet
Politics: anti-political
Religion: Atheist/Wiccan
Education: High School
Employment: Bum
Travel history: Japan, most capital cities and some countryside in Oz

Likes: Books, Philosophy, A large variety of Music, Creativity, Centipedes and Ferrets.

Dislikes: Mindless people, Governments, Religion etc. etc.

Big ups to Rob for the questions though. Never would have thought of all that.  

No shit.

Got a stack of short stories in a box up on top of a shelf somewhere. Should get them down and dust them off.

Oli, I have other services I can offer the ladies of AM mate...

Ever thought about going Bi?

Sorry mate even if I was I don't think your my type. 

Salmon FTW!!

You should give our sin a chance

Name: Dave Mack
Age: 24
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Race: mongrel
Star: sagitarius
Height: 5"9 i think
Weight: roughly 80kg
Builds: things (wow thats so random)
Smokes: Yes
Drinks: Yes
Tattoos: No
Politics: Family first
Religion: E channel is my bible i just love keeping up to date with the international confidential scene. It makes me feel as though i am above people of all other creeds.
Education: Year 10 Salisbury East High School 
Employment: Roller Shutter installer (presently)
Travel history: Most of Australia

Likes: Generic get to know you surveys

Dislikes: I dunno some stuff

Keyser this is me reaching out to you in my hour of need i've been sat at this computer fopr an eternity and not even one female has passed within a 10 metre radius of this net den within which i dwell. You shall encounter no such dillema with me as you did with tupps i have no issue with sharing. Infact if i were to have my memoirs published a strict parmeter would be that it must include warts and all.

 Thanking you in advance don keyser.
                                                   Yours truly
                                                                  Sleepless in salisbury
                                                 

Yo betterman. It seems you're in a bit of a pickle. You say that you earn a decent bit of coin? Well, that usually opens up a lot of doors when it comes to relationships with females, but your obsession with GTA 4 is an obstacle standing in the way of true love. I've done a bit of digging around for you, mate, and I think I've found the perfect solution. You need a woman into that game as much as you. That woman is Courtz.


You don't even need to meet up in real life. You can hook up online, play deathmatches and the like and have verbal exchanges over your headsets. You can take her out on a date via this option as well, a leisurely cruise, showing off the best of what Liberty City has to offer in your brand, spanking new Infernus. I think this is the perfect solution for you, betterman. And boy oh boy, won't your mates be jealous when you tell them you have a REAL girlfriend in GTA4! Just don't ask me how to perform the hot coffee cheat on her. This is something I've been unsuccessful in trying to apply to human females.


I wouldn't let it bother you, Oli. In my experience, boyfriends are just a girl's way of playing hard to get. It might say "I'm taken, move on", but what it really means is "You're gonna need better moves than that. Let's see what you've got." If you keep on tapping the eggshell, sooner or later that egg is going to be part of a delicious omelette sizzling in your frying pan.

Rob, Natho and Dave, your cries of desperation will be answered shortly.

You forgot to add Faults: poor speller   

Rob. I have witnessed your efforts to woo Sal in the Blonde or Brunette thread and am not surprised that you have come to me for help. First of all, you never ask a chick if she's single. That's an open invitation for a quick, but not necessarily painless, shoot-down. Instead ask "Hey, wanna fuck?" Straight forward question, straight forward answer, and no need for boyfriends or girlfriends to be involved.
But anyway... back to the case in point.
It's a shame that Sal is unavailable. You both share a passion for creative writing that could be the tinder for a romantic flame.
But I believe I have found the one for you, Rob. You mention that you like investing in property and it has been proven that you are knowledgable in that field. Birds of a feather fly together, am I right?


That she is, and therefore I propose that there be a union between the two of you. A sexual union which will result in great happiness. Rob has divulged his love for blow jobs, and Erika has let it be known that your tackle will be looked after...

Armed with this information, you should be ready to put the moves on her. That is, if you haven't already...

I appreciate your efforts, however my question to Sal was said 'tongue-in-cheek', as I am aware she is currently dating Simon, and you really can't do much better than him in terms of top blokes. Moving to me would be a step down in the good guy stakes.



Again, your efforts are appreciated. However, I feel that given our stubborn, pig-headed personalities, and constant need to be right, Erika and I would not enjoy our time together much.

That, and she has absolutely no sense of humour to speak of. She would stuggle with me, as I like to laugh.

at others.

Look around you dude. These days there are way more opportunities to laugh at people than with them.

Love this analogy!

Maybe even a delicious love omelette! 

Hook a sista up Aunty Keyser!

 

for the more christian minded, a dating service! http://www.eharmony.com.au/

NOTE you may have to wait til marriage to get jiggy - not for the casual fling types!

Sounds like a challenge even for Keyser!  However the corruption of innocent catholic girls has just become that little bit easier!

mmmmm catholic girls. there the worst. plus the priests on top of it.

 

Name: Crab man aka Colonel Crustacean the omnipitant exosceletal bad man aka SeEkoNe!
Age: 21(but in crab years I'm much older)
Race: Crustacean
Star: Hell yeah I'm a star! Haven't you seen me perform before!
Height: Not to much bigger then an average rock pool crab
Weight: I move heaps of weight. Usually 10 keys of coke per week!
Built: Like a brick house(super staunch)!
Smokes: Only the green shit!
Drinks: Only when peer pressure is involved
Tattoo: Wasn't a big fan of their music. But the two girls did kiss each other in one of their film clips! So thats a plus for me!
Politics: Running for mayor of Salisbury!
Religion: Jesus in a bowl of germs!
Education: Yr 11 Salisbury East High School yo!
Employment: Stage performer and Facial contorter!
Travel History: Most of Australia. But I did send some of my property over to Bali in a friends body board case once.

Likes: Mostly other stage performers like myself! If only their was another one of me!

Dislikes: Crey fish! They always get the good ones!

Please help me tall one. This crustacean is in dying need of a young female sea dweller!


          yours truly, madly, deeply,
                                                Rip Raw McClaw..........
                             

 

haha good answer!

unfortunately she is from the PS3 and I am from the Xbox family, so if we were to ever hook up it would be greatly frowned upon, similar situation to Romeo & Juliet from the Montague and Capulet families 

Your dead right mate. It just wouldnt work.
I cant believe you over looked that Tall one. I hope you dont make a mistake like that with my match!

Aunty Keyser, your matchmaking is shit! I want a refund and im going to lavalife!

i agree but i'm at red hot pie instead Keysers matchmaking service = average at best

Dont let me down aunty keyser. I still beleive in you. Find me a mate. My species depends on it!

     Yours sincerly, greatfully, gracefully,
                                                       The Muther Fuckn Rip Raw Mclaw YO!!!

i am so fucking bored at work so here it is

Name: Ben
Age: 26
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Race: yeah ok, what we racing?
Star: child
Height: 175ish
Weight: 77KG
Builds: Not much not good with spanners
Smokes: no
Drinks: yeah every day good for hydration
Tattoos: thinking bout "theres a long way to fall from the dizzying heights"
Politics: what about it
Religion: all stand to lord howlett
Education: sacred fart
Employment: man whore, monkey, street press guy, bouncer, personal trainer & BeBs guy
Travel history: Most of Australia

Likes: getting jiggy with it & pimping hoes

Dislikes: Yo mamma & getting so bored at work i would do this!

Just to let you all know, I will have an answer to every unanswered query before tomorrow morning!

 

have fun with that!

Its about time!!!! I nearly had to do the first thing with an exoskeleton that walked past!!

Extension required. 

Dear Keyser,

Why is it that all women say the one thing they look for in a guy is a sense of humour, yet a certain individual recently voted funniest AM'er goes to bed lonely each night?

cos girls tend to speak in coded language. guy with sense of humor is code for guy with bags of money. 

at least guys will say what they actually mean. 'i want a chick with big boobs = i want a chick with big boobs.

that is where i go wrong. still not sure if no means yes!?

no actually means no, imo.

here's a hint: to know if a girl is interested in you, see if she looks directly at you.

social psychologists believe that men will look directly at a person they find attractive, whereas girls look away and pretend they dont notice you (i do this very thang haha).

if you catch her taking sneaky looks @ you - make your move.

Yeah, directly at the girls boobs or ass.

i love the new harold and kumar movie, harold has a t-shirt that says 'NO MEANS YES' on the front, and then on the back it says 'JUST KIDDING' 

fail!

Actually that eye thing is spot on. Girls do double takes.

I also think that guys need to put it out there a little bit more and be a bit more proactive. If they want it you have to work for it. However they must also ensure they dont cross the line into sleezoid territory. Some men find it hard to decifer between flirting and sleezing.

can't be stuffed...sluts FTW!!!!

edit - 

Fuck that. I'd rather spend what little time there is on the weekend putting the yards in with my mates - rather than wasting time chasing some chick who wants to play games.

One day I'll get lonely enough for this opinion to change but as long as the worst case scenerio on a Sunday night is Mrs Palmer, who is always up for it, combined with an internet loaded with hot chicks who possess exactly the kind of loose morals, large boobs, waxing policy & accessible orifices I'm looking for in a lady - then investing time with the crew will always be my number one priority.

 

gold post!

 

um ok.

haha

However, most of you boys are decent looking fellas. Im sure you could all get laid pretty easily. Its not that hard. Just have to take your blinkers off.

There are plenty of fine young chiccies around to chose from.

 

Link?

No doubt. But believe it or not some guys aren't after a root with just anyone for the sake of a fuck. Like I said, I seriously value my weekends and the time I spend with my friends so I'm not going to throw that time away for the sake of being with a chick I don't care about or have no feelings for. Maybe when I was 18 or 19 I thought differently but these days I look for more from a girl than wether she will spread her legs or not. Personally I get absolutely nothing from that kind of fling that I can't get from my hand.

Combine that with the fact I'm part of a small scene in a small city which means a fair percentage of available females have either been with or dated mates and I'm not interested in being with somebody unless I'm confident it won't cause any drama or cause friction between me and a buddy. Bros before hoes and all that. And of course there is the whole knowing the history of most girls, especially those with a reputation so to speak. No matter how drunk or horny you are, that sure thing ain't quite as appealling when you know the 10 guys she was the sure thing for over the previous few months.

That and you have a serious case of meth dick.

 


Well that is refreshing to hear actually. mates before dates 


In regards to the dating someone you may know/same circles situation I reckon the best way to meet someone is to step out of circles you are in to meet new people who dont have those reputations.

awesome i want one

exactly
in the words of an old veteran from the adelaide dance music scene
"it can be a bit off putting when your doing a chick and then can't get the picture of mpks face out your head"

pfffffwaaaarrr BAHAHAHA
 

what'do ya think MPK Stands for! What else!

 

My Precious..........




Whats going on keyser!!!!!

I am really disappointed with the lack of dedication Keyser has given this thread.

As Josh has pointed out though, stepping out of these circles would mean giving up far more valuable time with his mates.

Whilst admitting it has led to a life where I spend more nights with my hand than with women, I completely agree with Josh on this. I have never understood people who sacrifice a great night with friends to chase sex. I also have a tendency to hang out far less with any friends who have shown a preference for chasing when we are out.

In my advantage I have had innumerable fucking brilliant nights that I wouldn't have otherwise had if I thought differently.

Use your power and remove his naming rights from it.

Want me to make it 'Noddy's' do you? I'm too scared to mix Keyser's threads in with yours in that way to be honest...

i want some whore so make it someones pronto

Also known as the 'I want to fuck the shit out of you' eyes

Yeh I am all for spending time with friends, I have many close friends, and I too consider spending time with friends a highly valuable thing. My week is full with social events and going out seeing people I care about. I make time with my friends. However, I was pointing out that sometimes meeting new people and stepping out of the usual circle can be profitable also.

Im not really talking about going out and chasing skirts and just going out to pick up... Im talking about stepping out of comfort zones, seeing new places and meeting new people. You can do that with your friends also. I do.

I guess though, social skills vary differently from person to person. I for one, am a very extroverted social person so stepping out of a comfort zone may be easier for me compared to someone else. I have no quarms in going up to someone and just talking to them. I love socialising.

I know! I have the answer! Maybe you boys should all just hang out with me. I have loads of hot sassy single girlfriends who dont have nasty reputations 

This thread could be renamed Erika's Matchmaking service! 

Every girl I've ever met believes that her friends are all hot & sassy.

Now I haven't met yours, but as a general rule of thumb - when a chick says she has an attractive friend it is most likely guys won't share the same opinion.

For real? I wouldn't have guessed!

Translation: Annoying when drunk! 

watever! You've met Juliette at Patch and Samarahs engagement. You said she was hot!

Anyway.... from what Ive seen youve got enough hot and sassy girls following you everywhere you go, you dont need anymore 


 

Bugger. haha. I cant disagree with that.

is she single

I have no recollection of her and I was sober so I dare say she wasn't as hot as Erica is making her out to be.

 



Anyway. Where da fuck is Keyser 

This may help answer that question: http://www.adelaidemassive.com/index.php?topic=1542.msg89460#msg89460

oh. I get it. He is in Sarsparella land

hahaha I went there and back over the weekend too. twas a rough journey thats for sure 

Needs more Kysler IMO!!

Maybe tonight. Will be getting toasted, so this thread may see some action!

 

what action?

my workmate is playing match maker today LOL

promises of action and failure to deliver, it is what this thread is all about really.

   Fuck's sake, the natives are getting restless!

Us single people are desperate for a root and you haven't delivered.

Of course we are getting restless.

but i thought you preferred to spend quality time on weekends with your friends noddy!

I have plenty of quality time till fill during the week though.

  good point!

Which is why I need a quality girl to fill.

its sarsberry get that shit right

Best hurry up krysler. My jelly like crustacean seminal fluid only comes around every5 years! I need to make some lavae pronto!!!!

goodness


hadnt read this thread for a while

 

Fucking oath! I find it appaling the amount of people who slut around with mate's current or ex partners. I'm all down for a good slut out but a bit of respect for yourself and those you are meant to be 'friends' with doesnt go astray!


Keyser, i'm coming to lay the smack down on you tonight! Your match making skills are SHIT and now your going to pay! MUHA

according to ur cosmo, spacey, girls who have dated ex's of their friends are called 'vagina-in-laws' hahah!

 

I'm all about doing mums, ex's, wifes, sisters, daughters, aunties, nieces and nanas. Easy targets imo