RookiePosts: 820
Posted: 26 Mar 2008, 7:49pmSubject: Colossal lols in here btw - poached thread from another forum
This thread is my favourite thing on the internet at the moment.
It's a little purile and crass but make no mistake it is a Platinum thread and deserves your complete attention!
Direct link to the DOA thread:
http://www.dogsonacid.com/showthread.php?threadid=488724
Respect to KD for making/divulging the thread,
the man is a literary genius.
For the tl;dr crew I have selectively poached the 'substance' of the thread but I recommend that you read it in it's natural and pure state.
______________
I had a scary 'date' last night....
hung out with a new girl last night for the first and last time. I don't really want to go into extreme detail of the horror of it, so I'll just put the positives and negatives into these handy bulleted lists......
The setting was the two of us drinking beer behind her house, sitting in front of a fire, while her two dogs, Sable (lol) and Hank lay at our feet.
Positives:
1> Lage breasts
2> She made the comment "You can tell my dog's smart because he has chimp eyes!"
3> Boobs. Large.
Negatives.......
1> She told a 30 minute story about watching a dog reveal it's lipstick and how it eventually became bigger than a man-cock and had blood dripping from it.
2> The bitch was farting up a storm. For the first hour I thought it was one of the dogs, due to their hideous all-encompassing-fog like nature. I was wrong. How do I know? because she let rip a big one and said "Damn, I'm like, marinating in my own farts!" in fact she farted once when her dog's head was on her lap and I swear he gagged a little. It might have been a cough but either way it seemed to be 'trump inspired'.
3> She told me, "Sometimes I tell my dogs to 'chase the n*gger, just to get them riled up.'
4> At the end of the night, she commented on the fact that some people find it disgusting that she wipes the crust out of her dogs eyes. I agreed that there was nothing wrong with that. "Yeah, but I like to feed it to them." She demonstrates. Then..... I shit you not.... She sticks her finger up her nose and puts it in front of her dogs face and he licks it off.
WTF
edit: I suck at teh html
__________________
Oh yeah, nearly forgot. She went inside to use the bathroom and a friend of mine called at the same time. Right as I hung up she walked out and said, "If you'd rather spend time with your girlfriend than me that's fine." But I don't have a girlfriend. "I heard you, I was listening before I walked out the door."
__________________
I just got a new text.... "I had fun w you last nite! : )"
I should text back, "Me too, especially when you fed your dog your hardened snot."
__________________
Oh ffs. I knew this would happen. For those of you that may reImember this thread: I;ve been drinking for a few hours and she's just called me out of the blue and told me she's lonely and needs company. I'm going in.... full report tomorrow.
__________________
Matinee time - I've just come home to pick up my dogs, we're rendevouing at the nearby dog park. No time to tell a full story, but meeting her at a bar and hearing the kiss song 'lick it up' as I walked in seemed like an appropriate harbinger for later minge-mining. Or perhaps just her theme song.
>Oh wait, quickly - A hungry-looking homeless woman with a single leg hobbled by the window as bogie girl ate a slice of pizza at the bar tonight. The (my) filthy slut banged on the window and said "MMMMMM THIS PIZZA IS GREAT!" causing me to go WTF , the homeless lady to look utterly shocked and BG to explain, "that bitch steals things from my neighborhood all the time so it's ok to shout abuse at her." So of course I ask how the fuck she could steal anything being a crutch-bound uni-legger. Does she throw a tire around her neck and hobble away at speed?
___________________
where do i fucking begin..............
got a semi knob gobble at the dog park (after she started my car's cd player, which began blaring that emo terpsichore mix. she tried 'bobbing in time' and i wanted to laugh at her) until the hounds all crowded up wonderinfg what all the glugging was about. Mental images of some Bosch nightmare. Sheer 'dong softener' biz and my soldier slides out like a greased eel. Awkwardness ensues. Mmade it back to hers where i told her about the recent proximity of Mars to the earth and that it could be seen very well in the night sky. "What's Mars?"
You know, the planet???
"Oh I thought you were talking about another Mars."
Hello?
She also told me dogs could secretly see in color and that they could do rudimentary math equations if trained properly.
fuck it i need sleep (and a shower or two) to b continued...
________________________
Ok couple more bits before I forget.
She did the dog trick AGAIN. She picked out a large one and called sable over. I literally shouted "Nooooooooooo" darth vader style. Seriously. It may not sound that bad, but in real life it is sooo wrong.
I also didn't mention that she farted during the BJ action. I di confront her about it, but it was later in the night after another disturbing experience.
________________________
So I went back to her place and we shagged and she let loose a what I can only describe as a 'ball-rattler' prompting me to finally say "wtf is wrong with you? do you have 'gas problem'?" which is not the thing to say when you're 'balls deep' as it were. She got upset and told me I was 'hurtful'. Which surprised me being she's so blase about these things. Her sad girl act eventually turned into ranting about how she hates the one-legged lady tramp and I took that as my cue to leave.
I'm not too proud of myself this morning.
________________________
V-day bump.
Jut got a text from her today -
"I, haven't seen or heard from you in a year. Do you still think about me?"
Thank god she doesn't know where I live
________________________
I should get with her again. Try for anal so I can bathe in the the queer sensation of my love spear being buffeted by the trade winds of her bowels.
________________________
I did it again
Does anyone care to hear hideous details (what I can remember anyway)?
________________________
So I drunk-dialed Christin the other other night, and she invited me over.
After knocking on the doors of several wrong houses I found hers. She was watching some incredibly shit movie about sandra bullock timetraveling or some shit. I'm shocked to see her dressed in clothes that are actually 'girly'(skirt and t-shirt) and not reminiscent of the wardrobe of her butched-out lesbo, weight-lifting, crew-cut wearing friends. Once inside, I listened to her prattle on about 'lazy mexicans'(self-hin) the homeless(that woman is still after her apparently) and some lesbo called 'Bill'(lol). After a minute I noticed her starting to shift around and frown a bit, I dismissed it as her normal mentalist tics until I excused myself to get another beer from the kitchen.
As I opened the fridge door, I heard a prolonged high-pitched squeal that slowly faded away, like a distressed mouse falling down a well.
I was shocked that she actually waited for me to leave the room pre-guff. The consideration never seen before.
So we continued to drink and talk for too long, until I returned from having a piss to find her standing there in only a t-shirt. She meant it to be sexy but I couldn't decide whether her minge looked more like the chapped lips of a bushy-bearded homeless man, or Buckwheat with a headwound.
Being the filthy cunt that I am, I proceeded to join with her in making 'the beast with two backs', eventually ending up in the time honored doggy style position. As I approached immanent release, she let loose one final anal cry. a swan song of sorts. It sounded like someone briefly letting air from a balloon through a thin slit, and ruffled the hair leading to my bellybutton like a pacific breeze. It was then that Sable pressed his icy nose onto the side of my leg, nearly making me lose momentum and begin a possible descent into blue-balldom. Heroicly, I shouted the dog away before finally showering her back with tiny KDs and collapsing on her bed.
As I lay there, catching my breath, she whispered 'you could live here'
I suddenly remembered I had to be somewhere, nevermind that it was three am and that I tried to exit her house by entering the bathroom. I eventually escaped.
Today's text, "come back come back come back"
_______________________
Ok, must give out the final chapter before I end this for good. I returned to her home last night for a few drinks. Although I kept a sharp ear out, she seemed to have eaten a carton of Beano, as there was no evidence of mousy squeaks or violent whoopee cushion-esque reports.
We sat down to watch another shit film.
After a time we began to tongue wrestle, which ended in her kissing her way down my chest like some chick from one of those late night sex-tease movies that artfully edit out the 'good parts' and leave teenage boys with penile rugburn.
I had brought in a Drum and BAss mix and so, when she began to nurse on my man-teat she again opted to to bob in time.
Reminded me of some spotty teenager bobbing his head in the basement of blackmarket (jamie?) but I pushed those thoughts away and achieved a mighty victory.
Afterwords she became angry with me (rightfully so) and threw me out (much to my relief).
I feel a bit bad after the fact. But hey, that's my life. I explore the hinterlands of minge. Places few men would dare to tread.
________________________
It's a little purile and crass but make no mistake it is a Platinum thread and deserves your complete attention!
Direct link to the DOA thread:
http://www.dogsonacid.com/showthread.php?threadid=488724
Respect to KD for making/divulging the thread,
the man is a literary genius.
For the tl;dr crew I have selectively poached the 'substance' of the thread but I recommend that you read it in it's natural and pure state.
______________
I had a scary 'date' last night....hung out with a new girl last night for the first and last time. I don't really want to go into extreme detail of the horror of it, so I'll just put the positives and negatives into these handy bulleted lists......
The setting was the two of us drinking beer behind her house, sitting in front of a fire, while her two dogs, Sable (lol) and Hank lay at our feet.
Positives:
1> Lage breasts
2> She made the comment "You can tell my dog's smart because he has chimp eyes!"
3> Boobs. Large.
Negatives.......
1> She told a 30 minute story about watching a dog reveal it's lipstick and how it eventually became bigger than a man-cock and had blood dripping from it.
2> The bitch was farting up a storm. For the first hour I thought it was one of the dogs, due to their hideous all-encompassing-fog like nature. I was wrong. How do I know? because she let rip a big one and said "Damn, I'm like, marinating in my own farts!" in fact she farted once when her dog's head was on her lap and I swear he gagged a little. It might have been a cough but either way it seemed to be 'trump inspired'.
3> She told me, "Sometimes I tell my dogs to 'chase the n*gger, just to get them riled up.'
4> At the end of the night, she commented on the fact that some people find it disgusting that she wipes the crust out of her dogs eyes. I agreed that there was nothing wrong with that. "Yeah, but I like to feed it to them." She demonstrates. Then..... I shit you not.... She sticks her finger up her nose and puts it in front of her dogs face and he licks it off.
WTF
edit: I suck at teh html
__________________
Oh yeah, nearly forgot. She went inside to use the bathroom and a friend of mine called at the same time. Right as I hung up she walked out and said, "If you'd rather spend time with your girlfriend than me that's fine." But I don't have a girlfriend. "I heard you, I was listening before I walked out the door."
__________________
I just got a new text.... "I had fun w you last nite! : )"
I should text back, "Me too, especially when you fed your dog your hardened snot."
__________________
Oh ffs. I knew this would happen. For those of you that may reImember this thread: I;ve been drinking for a few hours and she's just called me out of the blue and told me she's lonely and needs company. I'm going in.... full report tomorrow.
__________________
Matinee time - I've just come home to pick up my dogs, we're rendevouing at the nearby dog park. No time to tell a full story, but meeting her at a bar and hearing the kiss song 'lick it up' as I walked in seemed like an appropriate harbinger for later minge-mining. Or perhaps just her theme song.
>Oh wait, quickly - A hungry-looking homeless woman with a single leg hobbled by the window as bogie girl ate a slice of pizza at the bar tonight. The (my) filthy slut banged on the window and said "MMMMMM THIS PIZZA IS GREAT!" causing me to go WTF , the homeless lady to look utterly shocked and BG to explain, "that bitch steals things from my neighborhood all the time so it's ok to shout abuse at her." So of course I ask how the fuck she could steal anything being a crutch-bound uni-legger. Does she throw a tire around her neck and hobble away at speed?
___________________
where do i fucking begin..............
got a semi knob gobble at the dog park (after she started my car's cd player, which began blaring that emo terpsichore mix. she tried 'bobbing in time' and i wanted to laugh at her) until the hounds all crowded up wonderinfg what all the glugging was about. Mental images of some Bosch nightmare. Sheer 'dong softener' biz and my soldier slides out like a greased eel. Awkwardness ensues. Mmade it back to hers where i told her about the recent proximity of Mars to the earth and that it could be seen very well in the night sky. "What's Mars?"
You know, the planet???
"Oh I thought you were talking about another Mars."
Hello?
She also told me dogs could secretly see in color and that they could do rudimentary math equations if trained properly.
fuck it i need sleep (and a shower or two) to b continued...
________________________
Ok couple more bits before I forget.
She did the dog trick AGAIN. She picked out a large one and called sable over. I literally shouted "Nooooooooooo" darth vader style. Seriously. It may not sound that bad, but in real life it is sooo wrong.
I also didn't mention that she farted during the BJ action. I di confront her about it, but it was later in the night after another disturbing experience.
________________________
So I went back to her place and we shagged and she let loose a what I can only describe as a 'ball-rattler' prompting me to finally say "wtf is wrong with you? do you have 'gas problem'?" which is not the thing to say when you're 'balls deep' as it were. She got upset and told me I was 'hurtful'. Which surprised me being she's so blase about these things. Her sad girl act eventually turned into ranting about how she hates the one-legged lady tramp and I took that as my cue to leave.
I'm not too proud of myself this morning.
________________________
V-day bump.
Jut got a text from her today -
"I, haven't seen or heard from you in a year. Do you still think about me?"
Thank god she doesn't know where I live
________________________
I should get with her again. Try for anal so I can bathe in the the queer sensation of my love spear being buffeted by the trade winds of her bowels.
________________________
I did it again
Does anyone care to hear hideous details (what I can remember anyway)?
________________________
So I drunk-dialed Christin the other other night, and she invited me over.
After knocking on the doors of several wrong houses I found hers. She was watching some incredibly shit movie about sandra bullock timetraveling or some shit. I'm shocked to see her dressed in clothes that are actually 'girly'(skirt and t-shirt) and not reminiscent of the wardrobe of her butched-out lesbo, weight-lifting, crew-cut wearing friends. Once inside, I listened to her prattle on about 'lazy mexicans'(self-hin) the homeless(that woman is still after her apparently) and some lesbo called 'Bill'(lol). After a minute I noticed her starting to shift around and frown a bit, I dismissed it as her normal mentalist tics until I excused myself to get another beer from the kitchen.
As I opened the fridge door, I heard a prolonged high-pitched squeal that slowly faded away, like a distressed mouse falling down a well.
I was shocked that she actually waited for me to leave the room pre-guff. The consideration never seen before.
So we continued to drink and talk for too long, until I returned from having a piss to find her standing there in only a t-shirt. She meant it to be sexy but I couldn't decide whether her minge looked more like the chapped lips of a bushy-bearded homeless man, or Buckwheat with a headwound.
Being the filthy cunt that I am, I proceeded to join with her in making 'the beast with two backs', eventually ending up in the time honored doggy style position. As I approached immanent release, she let loose one final anal cry. a swan song of sorts. It sounded like someone briefly letting air from a balloon through a thin slit, and ruffled the hair leading to my bellybutton like a pacific breeze. It was then that Sable pressed his icy nose onto the side of my leg, nearly making me lose momentum and begin a possible descent into blue-balldom. Heroicly, I shouted the dog away before finally showering her back with tiny KDs and collapsing on her bed.
As I lay there, catching my breath, she whispered 'you could live here'
I suddenly remembered I had to be somewhere, nevermind that it was three am and that I tried to exit her house by entering the bathroom. I eventually escaped.
Today's text, "come back come back come back"
_______________________
Ok, must give out the final chapter before I end this for good. I returned to her home last night for a few drinks. Although I kept a sharp ear out, she seemed to have eaten a carton of Beano, as there was no evidence of mousy squeaks or violent whoopee cushion-esque reports.
We sat down to watch another shit film.
After a time we began to tongue wrestle, which ended in her kissing her way down my chest like some chick from one of those late night sex-tease movies that artfully edit out the 'good parts' and leave teenage boys with penile rugburn.
I had brought in a Drum and BAss mix and so, when she began to nurse on my man-teat she again opted to to bob in time.
Reminded me of some spotty teenager bobbing his head in the basement of blackmarket (jamie?) but I pushed those thoughts away and achieved a mighty victory.
Afterwords she became angry with me (rightfully so) and threw me out (much to my relief).
I feel a bit bad after the fact. But hey, that's my life. I explore the hinterlands of minge. Places few men would dare to tread.
________________________
image not archived: f_jeevesm_31fabc1.jpg
"Eccentricity is not, as some would believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd." (Edith Sitwell)
"Eccentricity is not, as some would believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd." (Edith Sitwell)
"like a distressed mouse being thrown down a well"
for work crew
